Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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