You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
