I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
