that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
