My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What a dumb baby whore.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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