In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
