I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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