im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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