well I can't set my house on fire every night
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
