You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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