Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize