ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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