my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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