I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
