Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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