mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
