And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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