were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
