Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
