babies were throwing up all over the place
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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