I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i drank out of a bidet.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
