in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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