based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
