i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
