The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize