Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
