I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
