Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
