guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I party with great urgency now.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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