My hair reeks of homosexuality.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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