and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Pooping to opera.
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