I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
