I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
