im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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