I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Randomize
