im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
