he puts the penis in happiness.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
