i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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