Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
