i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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