I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
