I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We left the knife in your bed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize