Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
