i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
