He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I have demons in me.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
