She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I need to stop coming to work sober
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
