Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize