I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
