I'm going to jail i love you
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
