I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
