Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
