I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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