he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
