did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
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