just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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