sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
