Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
