I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
