i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
