do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
What a dumb baby whore.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
