i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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