She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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