ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
